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I don’t understand, but I won’t even ask why I see that in that bathroom. Roommates, maybe never again. Pretty funny, gotta admit.

Dude, totally my bad. So here’s what happened. Jarrod went to BK with Fortier to make some free food. Don’t worry Jarrod is accounting for the food he took in the coming days by skipping his manager meal, smart fella. So they get food, and then hang out in his room. At some point Brandon came up, and they do the usual thing with that thing they do that thing with.   I arrive home and decide to check out what’s going on upstairs. I did this because both yours and Jarrod’s lights were on when I pulled in and I heard Jarrod’s laugh. You know the goofy one that’s like a dopey chuckle. So when I get up there they tell me about the BK run and whatnot. We do that thing with the thing. Feels good bro. Then I came to visit you. Brandon follows, then Fortier, and then it happened!

Jarrod comes running out asking who left a ranch packet on the floor. He seemed so excited about all of it that I had to go see when he told me I should. It had exploded in about a 25% to 30% radius spanning from the foot of his bed to the dresser. This loose condiment then found itself stuck not only on the afore mentioned objects but on two others as well. One of which is in the picture, and the other is the thing that I have kept bringing up, you know one of those… Water pipes. I told him I would help clean up the mess. He asked me to clean two things, the pipe and the bottle. I cleaned the bottle first, being that it had more ranch on it. Then on to the pipe. I washed the outside, but then found I had to disassemble the stem piece and the bowl piece and go balls deep in the duty assigned to me. I even changed the water, how about that. I peered into Jarrod’s room, as easily became distracted. I was so proud of the job I had done with the pipe. I had completely ignored the ketchup bottle.

I feel horrible about this. Like a parent who was picking up their kids from a school event, and forgot the one that they secretly don’t like as much as the other two. I mean come on, the bathroom is no place for the poor little ketchup bottle. I really hope that you can be a better father than I nick, or that you at least brought my baby back into the fridge where it belongs with it’s fellow condiment brethren. 


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1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them.

2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.

3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck.

5. Always use ‘we’ when referring to your home team or your government.

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.

7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of ‘horse’.

8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

9. Don’t dumb it down.

10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.

11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.

12. Never park in front of a bar.

13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.

14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car, and first boy/girlfriend.

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.

16. A suntan is earned, not bought.

17. Never lie to your doctor.

18. All guns are loaded.

19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know.

20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.

21. Take a vacation of your cell phone, internet, and TV once a year.

22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.

23. A handshake beats an autograph.

24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.

25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short.

26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.

27. Never get your hair cut the day of a special event.

28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.

29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.

30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.

31. Eat lunch with the new kids.

32. When traveling, keep your wits about you.

33. It’s never too late for an apology.

34. Don’t pose with booze.

35. If you have the right of way, take it.

36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.

37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.

38. Never push someone off a dock.

39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry; live up to it.

41. Don’t make a scene.

42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best.

43. Know when to ignore the camera.

44. Never gloat.

45. Invest in good luggage.

46. Make time for your mom on your birthday. It’s her special day, too.

47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.

48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp.

49. Give credit. Take blame.

50. Suck it up every now and again.

51. Never be the last one in the pool.

52. Don’t stare.

53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.

54. Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.

55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.

56. Admit it when you’re wrong.

57. If you offer to help don’t quit until the job is done.

58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.

59. Thank the bus driver.

60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.

61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

62. Know at least one good joke.

63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.

64. Know how to cook one good meal.

65. Learn to drive a stick shift.

66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.

67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself.

68. Dance with your mother/father.

69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.

70. Always thank the host.

71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.

72. Know the size of your boy/girlfriend’s clothes.

73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt.

74. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.

75. Keep your word.

76. In college, always sit in the front. You’ll stand out immediately.

77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.

78. Be patient with airport security. They’re just doing their jobs.

79. Don’t be the talker in a movie.

80. The opposite sex likes people who shower.

81. You are what you do, not what you say.

82. Learn to change a tire.

83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.

84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it.

85. Don’t litter.

86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.

87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest. But you can be the toughest.

88. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm.

89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.

90. Make the little things count.

91. Always wear a bra at work.

92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.

93. You’re never too old to need your mom.

94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet kill.

95. Know the words to your national anthem.

96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun than sitting on the bench alone.

97. Smile at strangers.

98. Make goals.

99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.

100. If you have to fight, punch first and punch hard.

a high school teacher’s list of 100 wisest words (via live-la-bella-e-vita)

(Source: mar-rs)

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